A kiss on the hand
by SailorRyokoKitana
Summary: FINAL CHAPTER IS UP!!!! This is an alternate ending to the movie.. What would happen if Christian did not show up at 'Spectacular Spectacular?' Please Please R/R.. This is my first Moulin Rouge Fic...
1. How wonderful life was

A Kiss on the hand  
  
::Authors notes:: This is my first Moulin Rouge fanfiction so please don't flame it too much.   
This is Part one. It is told through Christian's eyes.::  
  
---  
  
PLEASE READ BEFORE CONTINING!!!  
This story is about what would have happened if Christian did NOT come back to Moulin Rouge   
before "Spectacular Spectacular!" In other words, an alternate ending.::  
  
---  
  
PART I - How wonderful life, was  
  
One look and she was mine. My world fell apart after I lost her. If only I was there when she   
died. My head throbbed with pain as I listened to her sing from outside the club. Her voice   
sent shivers down my spine. And it sent my heart into a flutter. The applause I heard beat   
through the doors, were deafening as I felt the rain stream down my forehead. As always she gave   
a magical performance, as I let my jealousy run mad. She was sick and I knew it but, the thought   
of her dying so young, so soon was more then I could bear. I refused to think about it. Why   
Satine? Why the beautiful Sparkling Diamond of Moulin Rouge? Why her?  
  
---  
  
"Christian! CHRISTIAN! Hurry inside quickly!"  
  
I looked up from my cigarette to Zidler calling out to me. My breath quickened as I felt my   
heart leap into my throat. His make up was running onto the pavement because of the rain. His   
lip quivered as his hands shook. 'Oh god. What has happened?' I asked myself as I ran to him   
slipping and falling on the way. As if I were in a movie, the world seemed to slow down as the   
sounds of the streets were blocked out. All I could hear was my breath and the rain tapping me   
on the shoulder as if to say get up. I grabbed onto Zidler's jacket and lifted myself up   
looking at the tears falling from his eyes. Some other girls came up behind him crying   
hysterically. I looked around in fear of what I already knew had happened. My heart shattered   
inside my chest.  
  
"Satine? Where is she? What happened?!"  
  
I ran past the audience still on their feet walking out the door. Their faces in shock, some in   
horror. But most of them were crying. Tears of sorrow, and echo's of sadness ran through every   
vein in my body as the duke held Satine's lifeless body in his arms. Not even a tear caressed   
his cheek, but they saturated hers. He gave me a wry grin and a swift chuckle. My eyes became   
blurred as the tears welled up in my eyes. My blood turned cold. Colder then ice. I lowered   
my head and balled up my fists until my knuckles began turning white. Her eyes were open and   
lifeless. My heart and soul suddenly became empty and confused.  
  
"Your jealousy did this you know." He said to me while moving her body around in his arms.  
  
"No! YOU DID THIS!"  
  
I screamed to him. I could feel every portion of my body beginning to crumble as I looked into   
her eyes. My heart ached in pain as my knees began to shake. I loved her with every beat of my   
heart. I dreamed of her day and night. I fantasized about our passionate lovemaking. As I see   
her now, I can only see the memories we shared. The night she first saw me and mistook me for   
the duke. The way she tried covering up my reason for being in her dressing room. And I could   
never forget the time I confessed my love to her. It was my fault she was dead. If I never   
would have shown up to her dressing room and she covered me by a fake song and dance of a play   
never written, she may still be alive today. Or would she? I knew he was right. He didn't   
kill Satine. Nor did I. Her sickness mixed in with her confused emotions gave in and claimed   
her life.  
  
The duke turned his back to me and began to walk off the stage with her. I started to run   
toward the stage but got nowhere as the mighty arms of Zidler held me back. I screamed in   
anguish, pain, and hate. I screamed her name over and over again as the tears fell upon the   
ground like rain from the sky. My voice soon gave and so did my body. A whisper of a scream   
was all that could be heard. A whisper softer then the wind blows. I fell unto the ground   
clutching onto the only thing left of hers. A memory locked into a nook behind my eye. Her   
eyes, her scent, her voice, her everything flooded to my head as everything began to get dark.  
"Satine! oh god Satine!"  
  
I whispered out her name in between the tears and breaths of air I was desperately trying to   
grasp.  
  
"How wonderful life is, now you're in the world."  
  
I sobbed those few words as I watched the others walk off the stage crying, and holding each   
other. I should be holding her right now. Apologizing for my stupid behavior. Telling her   
that my heart beats only for her. My poems and songs were only for her. That I was born to   
find her and love her. And my tears were shed, only for her.  
  
No words were exchanged between them and I as they walked passed me. What was there to say   
really? Blame me for her death? They could have blamed me until I died and that would never   
change the fact that Satine was dead. And they all knew it. They were upset only because they   
lost the heart and soul of Moulin Rouge. They all knew the fate ahead.  
  
Once the audience was vacant, Zidler reached down to help me up. The scream I let out could be   
heard for miles around Paris. I gained enough voice back to let out one final scream. The   
hurt, the secret cries for help beamed through my vocal cords and out of my mouth. Why I   
screamed. Why. I could barely catch a breath in between the screams. I could hear the bones in   
my hand breaking as I slammed them onto the ground. The pain was a release for me. I could   
only think about the pain for a short while, while my attention was focused away   
from Satine. Until I realized why I was causing the pain. Zidler stepped back pulling his arms   
into his chest as he watched my madness unfold in front of him.  
  
"Come now Christian. Let's have a rest." Zidler picked me up off the ground being careful to   
avoid my broken hand once I had lost every inch of fight left in me and had collapsed. He   
carried me bodily to Satine and I's bedroom.  
  
"I will get revenge for her Zidler. I swear to it." I said to Zidler.  
  
"Zidler, Christian is but a boy with a broken heart. He is a poet so he of course is a   
sensitive man. Without Satine, who will he become?" Toulouse asked Zidler as I was being   
carried up the stairs. That was the last thing I could remember happening as I slipped away   
into a dream state far away from reality.  
  
---  
  
  
"Christian! Where are you Christian?" I heard Satine calling out to me from a dark corner.  
  
"There you are!" I saw her smile at me and give a sigh of relief. She looked as beautiful as   
ever. That long red dress that fit her so perfectly and her hair let down in soft red curls.   
Her eyes alone were too seductive for me to control myself. I took her within my embrace and   
hugged her, running my fingers up and down her soft, pale back. I could feel her tears falling   
onto my cheek. I cupped her face into my hands and kissed her softly on her lips, while whipping  
the tears from her cheek.   
  
I woke with her or should I say my tears drenching my cheeks. It took me a minute to remember   
that Satine was dead and that I was left alone in what used to be the bedroom we shared in   
secrecy. I laughed at all the jokes and silly songs we wrote together. A sharp pain shot up   
through my hand as I moved it from under the sheet. I nodded remembering my angry fit. I   
batted my eyes a few times as I let myself gaze around the room. I spotted Toulouse fixing   
himself another drink. He drank himself sick. Even when a tragedy happens, he finds remorse in   
the drink.  
  
"You are going to drink yourself to death you know." I said while sitting up.  
  
"Oh Christian. You are awake." I looked over at Toulouse and gave him wry smile and a sorrow   
filled sigh. He heard what I said and knew I was right. But he was an alcoholic. There is   
nothing I could do.  
  
"Yes I am awake. Awake in a world that no longer seems beautiful or worth living in anymore." I   
rubbed my hand along the bandages.  
  
"I feel like my hand. Trapped in pain inside a white bandage." I bowed my head as I let the   
tears fall down my cheeks.  
  
"But pain eventually heals. As will your hand. I too am feeling the grief of losing Satine.   
You mustn't put yourself into a depression like this. You will end up making yourself sick. We all  
are feeling the loss. Accept for the Duke. Do you want to know where her body rests so you may   
say your farewell?"  
  
I looked up at Toulouse and nodded. I rose out of bed and began putting my shoes on, listening   
to him wring out a wet cloth as he sighed. I knew where she would be but I wanted to hear it be   
put into words.  
  
"I am afraid it wont be that easy to see her. Her body lies within the Dukes arms. He has   
placed her in his bed. Only Zidler and I have seen her."  
  
A look of shock sprawled across my face as the shoelace I held in my hand snapped from the   
pressure I was pulling it at. He left her body there in his bed? No sheets? No blankets? I   
was expecting something else like she was still on stage or something but not this. It was even   
worse then I pictured it.   
  
"What do you mean in his bed? He doesn't have the decency in him to put her in a church or   
somewhere sacred? My god is he going to let her rot there?"  
  
I don't know what it is was Toulouse yelled out to me as I ran out the door knocking things and   
people over that stood in my way. All I could think about was the anger and hatred I was   
feeling. How could someone let a dead woman lie in their bed? I remember her face. Blood   
seeping from her lips that were once red, but are now pale. Her eyes wide open lifeless. And   
the single tear, the last tear I will ever see fall from her eye was caught in the dukes hand. All   
the while he stood there smiling, musing over her death, over musing over the pain he knew it   
was causing me. He loved her also. Only loved her for her body and talent. I twinged   
remembering the sight. Even in death she was beautiful.  
  
I reached the dukes door as he was leaving it. I quickly jumped behind a pillar desperately   
trying to avoid being seen. I strained to hear the words he was saying to the other man that   
was with him.  
  
"Find Christian. I want him dead." I heard the other man agree and walk away. I peered my   
head around the pillar to watch the duke put out a cigarette onto the floor and smile as he   
walked away. Oh how I wanted to just slap that smile off his face. The door began to shut as   
I made a run for it. It slammed shut behind me as my eyes adjusted to the darkness. It   
reminded me of just a few days before when I saw her standing at his balcony with his hands   
touching her. His hand upon her hand. I was afraid to turn around and look at her. I could   
feel her lying on the bed. Breathless, lifeless. 'Face her Christian. She is dead.' I   
thought to myself. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath as I let my body slowly turn around   
facing the bed.  
  
There she was. Her beautiful body sprawled across the bed. No blankets no nothing. I walked   
slowly over to the bed listening to the sound of my feet hitting the ground. Suddenly the world   
went silent. I could only hear my breath seeping from between my lips as it increased with   
every inch I grew closer to her. I shuddered with sadness, feeling it in every bone and crevice   
of my entire body. I had dreamed of a life filled with Satine, children, a home, but nothing   
would ever fill the black void slowly making its way across my heart. I reached the bed and   
turned my head in shock as I began to cry. The son of bitch didn't even clean her off or close   
her eyes.  
  
"Oh god Satine. I cant bare to see you this way. Why wasn't I there? Why did I let my   
jealousy take over me?" I put my head onto her stomach and let the sorrow overcome me.  
  
"Because you love her."  
  
I turned around to see Toulouse standing at the door with the wet cloth in his hands. I looked   
back at Satine and wept some more. I watched as my tears fell onto her dress.  
  
"Here ya are. Shall I do it?"   
  
I grabbed the cloth from Toulouse's hand violently shaking my head. I rubbed the line of dried   
blood around her lip and watched as it flaked off her. I closed my eyes and crossed her hands   
upon her chest. Her face once full of glitter and life was now drained to colorless, and   
hopeless shades. No words could escape my mouth at that moment. I let my eyes roam over her   
body. I caught the rip in her stockings and the rip in her dress.  
  
"He..Raped her. Didn't he?"  
  
Toulouse lowered his head and nodded.  
  
"Yes. We could hear her screaming right before the show started."  
  
"AND YOU DIDN'T STOP HIM! WHY? WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU PEOPLE! DOES MONEY MEAN MORE TO YOU   
THEN YOUR OWN FRIEND!?" I screamed to him. I was angry for the wrong they caused by not   
stopping him when they could have.  
  
"He is only One man! There are hundreds of you and you let him hurt her. Why?"  
  
"The Moulin Rouge is all we have."  
  
A look of shock sprawled along on my face.  
  
"I see. So by Satine dying, you are all safe at home then." I quickly rubbed my hand along her   
cheek and said my farewell.  
  
"I love you Satine. Until my dying day." I looked over to Toulouse who stood there with his   
head lowered and a look of guilt on his face.   
  
"You tell the duke that I will be expecting him on stage tomorrow evening."  
  
I walked out of the room with sheer hate running through my veins. Toulouse realized what he   
and the others had done. She may have had the chance to survive if they would have just helped   
her. Tomorrow would be my night for revenge. I knew in my heart that no matter if I lived or   
died after this, I must keep her memory alive inside of me.  
  
  



	2. Will drive you, Will drive you, MAD

::Authors notes: Sorry it took so long to write Part duex. Been busy moving and all. I have   
gotten a few reviews from a couple confused readers. I know Christian was never the one for   
revenge. That's why I put it in there. Cut me some slack. I only saw the movie once.::  
  
Part II - Will Drive You, Will Drive You, MAD  
  
---  
  
"Are you mad Christian? He will tear you apart. If he is having men come after you and kill you,  
what makes you think you two will be alone during this duel?"  
  
I sat in the chair tying on my typewriter a final letter to Satine. Every word I typed sent   
sharp pains into my heart. My arms yearned to hold her and my lips ached to taste her lips once   
again. She would never read this letter I know but still, it was a closure for me. When she   
was to be buried, I wanted it to go with her. That way my final thoughts and feelings go with   
her.  
  
"My beloved Satine,  
  
You are never to read this letter but the thought of it going into the afterlife with   
you is all I can do to say goodbye. You never did deceive me, you believed me when I said I   
love you. And I turned my back on you and let you die in the duke's arms instead of my own. I   
should never have let myself become so jealous. Please forgive me Satine. I never felt so   
relieved in my life when you came rushing back into my arms telling me you couldn't do it and   
that you loved me and you wanted to leave with me. I was foolish to even believe you when   
you said you didn't love me. So there you are. I knew the moment I saw you that I wanted to be   
with you. Your eyes, your energy, and you desperate cry for someone to love you whispered out   
to me. Come what may my dearest Satine. I will get revenge for you. Even if I die trying.   
I love you with all my heart and soul. Death is only the beginning of our love. I will love   
you until my dying day.  
  
Yours Forever,  
Christian"  
  
I ripped the short letter from my typewriter and folded it into my pocket. I wiped the tears   
from my eyes as my heart sank onto the floor beneath me. The time was coming soon when I would   
be seen in a totally different way. No longer would I be seen as a penniless poet.  
  
"Look Zidler. Satine is dead and it's because of me. Do you enjoy seeing her rot in his bed   
instead of being buried like she deserves? He needs to pay for all the trouble he has caused   
the Moulin Rouge and us. Look Zidler. Your precious Moulin Rouge is falling apart. Your   
prostitutes and Can-Can girls are leaving in rapid numbers afraid to end up like Satine. The   
Duke will eventually steal everything away from you and you will be lying in the streets of   
Paris somewhere."  
  
I tuned away from him running my fingers through my hair. I dreamt a daydream earlier today. A   
dream that everything was normal again. A dream that sent my mind far beyond reality, and back   
again quicker then a flash of lightning. Satine and I could be together with no worries and   
that she wasn't sick. Endless nights of lovemaking and just holding each other. A tear came to   
my eyes as I stared out the window into the storm clouds that had gathered. Those clouds   
represented my pain. Dark, dreary, and full of sadness. Just like those clouds brought on the   
fear of rain, my sorrow brought on fear of tears.  
  
I glanced in the mirror for the first time in days. I needed a shower and I needed to shave.   
'What for?' I asked myself. 'I have no one to impress or to care what I look like anymore.' I   
shook my head away in disgust and sat down on the windowsill. If Satine were alive, she   
wouldn't care what I looked like. Only that I was happy. And all I would care about were if  
she were happy in return. But those feelings have long since left me. All I felt now was the   
need to avenge her death in anyway I could.  
  
"Alright Christian." Zidler left my room in a fast pace and slammed the door shut behind him   
causing me to jump. I didn't jump from the sound, I jumped as my head was pulled out of the   
clouds and I remembered that there was someone else in the room along side of me. He knew what   
I had said was the truth. He was loosing everything right under his nose. I laughed to myself  
as the rain began to fall onto the slowly deteriorating Moulin Rouge. 'Truth, Beauty, Freedom   
and above all things Love.' I repeated inside my head over and over again. The reflection of the  
rain from the window onto my face mixed in with the tears that made their way down my dirty   
cheeks leaving streaks. I looked at the Moulin Rouge and wished that once again that nothing   
had happened. The windmill has slowed down its pace, the people stopped coming in large numbers,  
Satine's dressing room was being torn down, and all the while everyone still had some hope that   
it would remain as festive as usual. Including myself. I heard the clock chime six p.m. It was   
evening now. I laced on my shoes and headed over to the once bright and colorful stage. Fear   
pumped through my veins. I feared I would not be able to avenge Satine. I was more excited   
then afraid. The stage that once held the play of her death now sat in sheets and windows were   
boarded up. Too many memories flooded into my head at once. I clutched onto my head as I made  
my way up the stage steps. My stomach began to dance inside of me. My heart felt as if though   
it were about to beat out of my chest.  
  
  
"Too much stress for you boy?" I whipped around to barely see the duke standing in front of me.  
The room was spinning so fast. I could barley stand up. I shook my head trying to shake   
whatever it was I had away. My eyes were getting blurry as I was beginning to have double   
vision. I could barely keep the saliva from falling out of my mouth. Sweat poured down my   
forehead and onto my cheeks as one of my arms began to go numb.  
  
"Go to hell." I said with my eyes rolling into the back of head as my mouth got dry and my lips   
began to chap. My hair was sticking to my face as the sweat saturated my whole body. "All I   
want is to see you dead and rotting in your own damn bed."  
  
"Such violent words Christian. How do you expect to kill me if you can't even stay on your own   
two feet?" Without realizing it, I was on my knees spitting and rocking back and forth.  
  
"Erik, John, Bring her to me." I collapsed on the floor and could only stare at the Dukes shoes   
as he walked forward to me making tsk tsk noises. What the hell was wrong with me? Why was I   
like this? It was as if the Duke read my mind when he began to speak.  
  
"Are you wondering why you are sick my dear boy? I will tell you why. Your pathetic   
sensitivity towards Satine's death has taken over your body. Your lack of food, water, and   
sleep has made you dehydrated and weak. You couldn't raise a gun in your hands if you had to.   
I wont fight you while you are down. It would be too easy." I saw the two men hand the duke   
something. I blinked my eyes slowly and licked my lips. If I could only reach up and break his   
neck. The sound of his bones cracking within my grasp would ease up the pain that was rushing   
throughout my entire body.  
  
I jumped when I heard a loud thud as something landed down next to me. I opened my eyes enough   
to look into Satine's. Rage, fear and sadness raced into my eyes. My heart turned black and   
cold as the blood rushed into my head.  
  
"Oh god no please.." I broke down in tears. He even re-opened her eyes and threw her down next   
to me like a rag doll. If Satine were to be a doll she would be a china doll kept in a glass   
box. But no, right now she is a dead woman being treated as if though she were sown together   
for a child.  
  
"And for future reference Christian. I thought she was beginning to get a little fat backstage.  
Your precious Satine was with child. Your, child." A smirk crawled upon his face. His eyes   
bore through me as if I were transparent. Only his eyes could bring a look of coldness colder   
then the artic.  
  
I slammed my head onto the stage desperately trying to move my body away from hers. My hand   
throbbed with pain as I used it to scoot myself away. I couldn't be near her. The look in her   
eyes frightened me. Her eyes told me that she died in fear, and in regret. My heart could no   
longer take the abuse. 'My child.' I thought. My baby was growing inside of her. I wish I   
would have known if it were a girl or boy. I could feel my heart stop as my breathing slowed   
down to a few quick breaths every few seconds. Was I dying? Was I dying from a broken heart?   
If this is what love is supposed to be like then I don't want it. I don't want to love someone   
so much and have them die, carrying my child. What did I have to live for? I left my home to   
find freedom. All it has gotten me is jealousy, hate, and anger. A poet? A writer? What the   
hell was I?  
  
My hearing began to fade. I could hear nothing but mumbling and footsteps walking off the   
stage. I could feel the vibrations of her body being dragged off the stage. I was glad they   
were taking her. I would rather have died on that stage then have her lying next to me. Her   
hand grazed mine. It was cold. Cold enough to send shivers down my spine and goose bumps along   
my arms. He stopped her other hand in front of my face. I lightly kissed her hand. "A kiss on   
the hand Satine." I whispered before falling unconscious once again.  
  
---  
  
I once again awoke in my bedroom. Suddenly it turned from Satine and I's bedroom back to mine.   
I began to face reality and realize that she was dead. Although everywhere I looked around in   
the room, I felt her. Her joy, her passion, her energy, and I could hear her laughter, and her   
midnight cries of pleasure. Her hair so soft, like silk sliding between my fingers. Her skin   
as clear and smooth as a marble. I licked my lips remembering her luscious lips and what they   
had tasted like. Everything about her surrounded me and flooded my head. It was more then I   
could bear.  
  
I sat alone in that dark room. I was a fool to think I could win over the duke after days of   
malnutrition and lack of sleep. The pain shooting through my hand when I fell onto the stage   
was a reminder to me why Zidler had said not to go so soon. But I wouldn't listen. Of course   
everyone had wanted revenge on the Duke for what he had done to her right before the show   
started, but they all blame me for breaking her heart and leaving the Moulin Rouge. What about   
me? She acted as if she didn't love me and broke MY heart. I only did what she acted like she   
wanted me to do. I was furious. Furious at Satine, at myself at the whole damned Moulin Rouge.  
  
"DAMN YOU SATINE!" I yelled out uncontrollably. I buried my head into my palms and began   
sobbing. My sobs could be heard down the hall. My cries were of hatred and pain. No one could   
understand how I was feeling at that moment. Not even Satine could have.  
  
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." I whispered into the wind in between sobs. Nothing on earth at   
that moment mattered. Not even when I looked up to find one of the Dukes men in front of me   
holding a gun to my face.  
  
"Shoot." I looked the man into his eyes and pleaded with him to pull the trigger. I didn't   
want to live anymore taking the chance of finding someone else and loosing them too. I don't   
think I could ever love again after Satine. No one could replace her. She was my world.   
Everything I could possibly need in life rested in her hands. I wanted him to shoot. It would   
end my pain and suffering. My heart would no longer rip apart minute by minute, and I would be   
with her again.  
  
"Shoot god damn you!" I grabbed the gun and held it to my forehead as the tears streamed down  
my cheeks. I wanted nothing more then to die. I wanted to be with her again. Why wasn't he   
shooting?  
  
"No. The Duke wants this settled once and for all. Take this gun and use it yourself." The   
gun landed hard on my lap as the man fixed the collar of his coat and walked out my door. I   
rubbed my fingers along the handle still warm from the man. I picked it up and cocked it. I   
held it to my head and pulled the trigger. 'Yes! I am coming Satine!' were the thoughts that   
ran through my head at that moment.  
  
The gun wasn't loaded much to my dismay. I put the gun under my pillow and closed my eyes. I   
dreamt loving dreams of Satine. Maybe this was someone's way of telling me to overcome all   
obstacles like I had once said. Maybe this was someone's way of saying that I must avenge her.   
Will this pain ever go away? Please someone tell me. Tell me that my heart will mend and it   
will beat again in its normal rhythm. Tell me my tears will stop flowing like rivers onto the   
pillow where I lay. And someone please tell me that my jealousy and love has not all been in   
vain.  
  
  



	3. Until the end, of, time

::Authors notes: Damn it took me long enough to write and post this eh? Well I have so quit   
bitchin'! ^_^ I am leaving the final decision up to all of you. If you would like an epilogue   
after this chapter then let me know. This is the final chapter of 'A kiss on the hand' and I   
will write and Epilogue if the readers would like me too. Enjoy this chapter. Look for my next   
Moulin Rouge fanfiction coming to 'FanFiction.net' soon. Beware though, you will have no idea   
what hit you!::  
  
::Disclaimer: Baz, You are a freaking Genius man.. why the hell would I try and take your   
characters? *whispers* The insane amount of money he got.. that's why* I MEAN! Nevermind..   
Don't sue.::  
  
  
A Kiss On The Hand.. FINAL CHAPTER  
  
---  
  
Every moment that passes by, my will to live slips away. Who's to stop me from loading that gun   
and firing? I have nothing to live for. Once, I lived for her and to love her. Now all I live   
for is to see the next day. My dreams are no longer beautiful and happy. They only bring   
torment and anguish into my already broken heart.  
  
I have spent weeks in my bed recovering from my sickness. Toulouse and the Argentinian have   
come to visit me and make me eat and drink. Sometimes the drink was Absinthe. When I asked why   
Absinthe, they smiled and laughed. "To get you drunk of course! It makes the head throb longer!"  
I have also begun to let reality sink in.  
  
Life is not about Beauty. Now that Satine is gone, there is no beauty left in the world. Not   
even the stars in the night sky could sparkle as bright as her blue eyes. There is no Love   
without her. Without Satine, I have no one to love. Not even myself. There is no freedom.   
Here I am locked in a run-down hotel room trapped within my own pity and sadness. That's not   
freedom. Freedom is to be able to look around and see beauty without having to see her.   
Freedom is loving yourself and being to love others. Without the ability to love Satine, I feel   
as if I shouldn't love at all. All of this reality leads up to truth. Truth is all I believe   
in anymore because truth is reality.  
  
I haven't seen the garish light of day for so long. I instructed anyone who came in to add   
another layer of sheets over my shudders. I wanted to block out the sunlight in fear it would   
make me smile. Any other feeling besides sadness was what I wanted to feel. Sunlight,   
moonlight, and artificial light were all the same to me. I wanted nothing to do with it. It   
only brought on reflections of her face. Until now.  
  
---  
  
"Christian? What are you doing down here?" I looked over to Nini who sat on the Argentinian's   
lap and put my hands in my pockets. I honestly wasn't sure myself why I was in the dance room   
watching the girls rehearse. In some way I was hoping to find Satine. I imagined her coming   
down the stairs to the room and running up to me, throwing her arms around me and kissing me. I   
yearned to hold her again. I have been living in apathy for weeks now. Before I knew what I   
was doing I was hugging the other dancers and even Zidler and Toulouse.  
  
"Christian. We are so glad to see you walking around."  
  
I nodded my head and smiled. Oh how nice it felt to smile again. I was truly happy to be with   
them again. The true Bohemian's and yes, even all the beautiful Can-Can dancers. The swing   
that once carried Satine had been taken down leaving an empty space in the ceiling. Just like   
the empty space that was in heart. My mind was telling me to run and get away from here. But I   
knew that would never solve anything. I would only be running from my feelings. I didn't want   
to do that anymore. I was sick of lying in bed and marinating in Absinthe and sweat.  
  
I was still unshaven but I combed my hair back and put on a decent suit. The one Toulouse gave   
to me.  
  
"Where is she?" I don't think I could have asked a clearer question and yet everyone's face was   
puzzled. Accept Zidler's.  
  
"Don't worry Christian. Her funeral is this afternoon."  
  
A sigh of relief escaped from my lips as the Boho's began calling everyone to order. Toulouse   
ran around on his short legs carrying a cane with him. Any dancer he could get a hold of he   
lifted their skirts with his cane. Now I understand why he carried it around all the time. The   
Argentinian was yelling at the doctor about something. A heated dispute on who drinks more   
Absinthe no less. He walked out of the room mumbling something while throwing his hands in the   
air and smoking a cigar. As soon as the door shut, I heard a loud thump. I knew he had fallen   
asleep again. I chuckled to myself as I turned around. I wasn't laughing at his disease of   
course. I was laughing at myself for enjoying all the excitement around me again. I have   
spent weeks locked away, wanting to forget the world. There is so much Beauty in the world that   
once I was back in it; I couldn't believe that I had ever left it.  
  
I watched as the dancers rehearsed, and talk amongst themselves. A few looked so tired from the   
endless nights of prostituting, a few looked new. One of the girls followed my every movement.   
She must have been new for she was being instructed on how to use her skirt properly. When she   
asked Nini about me, Nini bluntly told her that I was Satine's. No one else's. Of course Nini   
had to explain to the girl who Satine was.  
  
"The sparkling diamond of the Moulin Rouge." That's all I needed to hear. My heart was   
satisfied to know that she would not be forgotten for who she was. Now, all I needed to do was   
justify her death in fighting the duke. Neither the Duke or I killed her but it was a   
justification for me also. He tore us apart once and he shall pay for it.  
  
I patted Zidler on the back as I left the room. He asked me if I was going to her funeral. I   
nodded and went back to my room. I tore the sheets off of the window and opened the shudders.   
I looked into the remainder of the dark elephant. I closed my eyes remembering our time spent   
there. The colors and memories of it flooded into my head as I sang out loud. "My gift is my   
song. One day I'll fly away." The sun beamed onto my face and I let it soak into my white skin.  
I felt whole when I was with everyone else. It was when I was alone at night in bed without her   
I feel so scared and sad. I dream every night of waking up next to her and that nothing was   
wrong. The sun shone down upon us and we left the shudders open for the entire world to see us   
together. She gets up places a kiss on my forehead as she heads downstairs to rehearse. Later   
I go down and dance with her and kiss her. I sing into her ear telling her how wonderful life is.   
Even the duke is standing there smiling at us. She gives a magical performance and we go   
upstairs and make love all night. Of course, this is only a dream.  
  
---  
  
I watched as her casket was being placed into the ground. I laid a single red rose onto the   
casket. "A red rose, redder then your sweet lips." I kissed my hand and patted the casket with   
the same hand. I rested the sealed letter next to the rose and whipped a tear from my eye. I   
couldn't cry anymore. I knew she was gone and there was nothing I could do about it. I walked   
away in the rain and let it fall down my face. Everyone else stood around and said their final   
goodbyes. I noticed that Toulouse and even the duke weren't there. As a matter of fact,   
Toulouse was the one that planned her funeral and the duke had to approve it first.  
  
I rushed back to the hotel and looked for Toulouse. When I found him, I found him lying in his   
bed with a bottle of Absinthe. I smiled as I walked over to him and pulled the bottle out of   
his hands.  
  
"Toulouse you crazy fool. You will drink yourself to death if you don't..." As I was finishing   
my sentence I was patting his face and shaking his shoulders. When I realized that he wasn't   
waking up, I placed my fingers on his neck to check his pulse. I screamed for help at the top   
of my lungs when I couldn't find his pulse.   
  
"Come on Toulouse! Wake up you fool! WAKE UP DAMNIT!" I violently shook him as I began to cry. "I CANT LOOSE ANOTHER FRIEND AGAIN! NOT NOW!"  
  
I could feel my world being shattered again. I watched as Marie and Zidler checked on him. When   
they pulled the sheet over his head I slammed my fist into the wall. I turned my head away and   
cried. Once again someone I cared about was taken away from me. We all assumed it was because   
he drank too much. I walked out of the room brushing my hand through my hair. I was so   
confused on how to feel. Toulouse brought me to the Moulin Rouge, and he introduced me to   
Satine. He was my friend and now he is gone. Yet I feel no remorse. Was it because he was an   
alcoholic and I was sub consciously expecting it, or was it because I knew that this wasn't what   
really happened to him? Sometimes I don't even know how to feel. My life as of late has been   
so complicated that I don't want to feel anything anymore. 'No Christian don't do this again to   
yourself. You just went through this. LIVE ON CHRISTIAN!' I repeated this in my head over and  
over again before I began walking back down to the dreaded stage. I had to face my demons at   
some point and now was a better time then any.  
  
  
---  
  
  
"Glad you decided to join us Christian. We have been waiting for you."  
  
I looked up onto the stage and saw the Duke and his men standing there holding guns in each of   
their hands. I glared at them through glazed over eyes and stood there grasping onto an   
invisible gun.  
  
"Don't try to fool us Christian. We have your gun here."  
  
I let my arm drop to my side and let out a sigh. He had me backed into a corner I couldn't turn   
away from. I was scared. I had wished for weeks that I would just die so this pain inside of   
me would go away. But now that I am on the verge of being killed, my heart is beginning to race   
inside my chest as my breathing is increasing. I envisioned my father and my mother telling me   
not to leave home. I remembered I told them that I would over come all obstacles. This one   
although, I couldn't over come. Here I am face to face with death, and I am running scared.   
Maybe not physically, but mentally I am running away.  
  
"You're right Duke. You do have my gun. So what now? Are you going to take the easy way out   
and kill me while I am unable to fight? Or are you going to run away scared?"   
  
I gulped as I watched him hold the gun to my face. I closed my eyes readying myself for death.   
When he wasn't shooting, I opened one eye and saw that he had the handle of the gun facing me.   
A fair fight I was guessing. Only one problem stood in my way. I had never fired a gun before   
in my life. I only knew how to work one. Not actually use one. I moved around him and began   
making my way up the stairs. Every step I took, he had his gun fixed on me while he held the   
other one out in his already sweating palms. Watching him sweat calmed my nerves. It showed   
that he was afraid and fear is the only thing that may get between us.  
  
"Go on Christian. Take it." The Duke smiled at me as he held the gun to my hand. I reached   
out and took a hold of the handle and stepped in to face him nose to nose. I felt a sharp prick   
in my stomach. The Duke's smile faded as it turned into a face of fright. I stepped back   
questioning what his facial expressions meant. My world slowed down again as I felt a cool   
river trickle down my stomach. As a gust of wind blew through I could feel the shirt I was   
wearing stick to my body. I blinked once or twice and removed my hand from where I had felt the   
prick. The once creamy flesh was now crimson.  
  
My hearing began to fade as I heard the Duke and his men frantically running around trying to   
figure out what to do. I looked around the room as it began to slow down and saw Zidler running   
to me in slow motion. I blinked again and let my body begin its decent backwards. Once my head   
hit the ground, I saw a beautiful light. It was so bright that I had to close my eyes. I was   
terrified of what was beyond that light. Whether it was heaven or hell. I felt no pain anymore   
as a voice came out of the light and told me not to be afraid. An all to familiar voice. A   
drunken male voice that you could barely understand. They must have a lot of Absinthe in heaven.   
I felt Zidler lift me up off the ground as he was saying something. I smiled at him through   
closed eyes and let out my last breath of air, whispering her name.  
  
---  
  
I awoke the next morning with her in my arms as the sun shone down upon us. She got up and   
placed a kiss on my forehead as she began to get dressed for rehearsal. Later, I went down to   
see her perform. I sang in her ear and told her how much I loved her as the Duke watched us   
smiling. After the show we went back up to the elephant and made love all night.  
  
Its funny how someone's life ends. One minute you are beginning to live your life again and the   
next you are loosing it all over again. Of course I was scared as I lay there on that hard   
wooden floor, feeling the blood seep through my hands. Afraid that even in death, I wouldn't be   
with her. If that were to be the case, I would rather have been sent straight to the fiery pits   
of hell then live my afterlife without her.   
  
Now, I wake up next to her and look into her beautiful eyes as I study her every curve, her   
movement, and the way she looks as she sleeps. I loved waking up and feeling her warm body   
pressed against mine as her head lay in the nook of my neck. Every morning I would run my   
fingers through her long, silky, red hair and watch her as a sleepy smile caressed her face. I   
truly had everything once I had her back in my life.  
  
Life is wonderful before and after death. I am free here. I am free to love Satine as I wish;   
free to love myself, and the way I feel when I am with her. Beauty is all around me. Satine,   
and the Moulin Rouge at its best. Truth surrounds me as I realize that I am with Satine again   
and that it is for all eternity. Neither Heaven nor hell may have existed to my knowledge. But   
as far as I was concerned, as long as I was with Satine, I was in heaven.  
  
I know you are questioning whether I believe in Love still. The last of the 4 bohemian   
revolutionary rules. Above all things I believe in love. Love is like Oxygen, love is a many   
splendid things, love lifts up where we belong all you need is love. The greatest thing you'll   
ever learn is to love and be loved in return. Even when its love at...  
  
The Moulin Rouge...  
  
The End..  
  
*Epilogue???*  



End file.
